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Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Body Image.

I haven't always been a runner. I haven't always been "athletic". I haven't always been outgoing, social, or had an interest in standing out in a crowd. You can read about my struggles with weigh over the past decade in my January 2010 post (HERE). My weight has fluctuated up and down over and over again since the age of twelve (ranging from 115 to 190 lbs). Believe it. Right now I stand somewhere right in the middle. It wasn't until I took up running that I realized that eating well and exercise really do go hand-in-hand. And, without both, you really can't transform yourself and partake in a healthy lifestyle 100%. Sure, I cheat. I binge a little. I may skip a workout here and there ... but, healthy eating habits and a consistent exercise routine are truly apart of my life now.

As a child, I always had a round face. My cheeks were chubby (and still are), I always filled out a pair of jeans more than my size 2 friends. As I went through junior high and high school, I refused to wear shorts, even during the humid summer months. I hated my legs. I have been blessed with skin that's prone to stretch marks and I developed them at a very early age. Eventually I never wore tank tops either, because I hated my flabby arms.

I never really had a boyfriend growing up, because I may not have been as cute and tiny as my adolescent friends. And, because of that, I wasn't confident enough to approach boys. I never had an interest in extracurricular activities and sports. I danced and eventually participated in pom poms. But, I had no interest in breaking a sweat or participating in a team atmosphere. I preferred sitting as first chair clarinet in the school band.

In elementary school, I had interest in a boy and nerves and morning jitters eventually turned into nausea. I was vomitting and sick to my stomach, but had no fever. After being home a few days from school, my parents finally realized that I wasn't sick after all and sent me back to school the next day. I struggled with nausea the entire day, and couldn't eat. I quickly dropped some weight and realized the reaction that I was getting from people as my clothes fit a little differently. Throughout junior high, I was too nauseus in the morning to eat breakfast. I would would wait until my parents went to work to make myself vomit and feel better. And sadly, after awhile it wasn't voluntary ... my body needed me to do it to feel better. It would just happen. I would also conveniently "forget" to pack my lunch for school. If I did pack my lunch, I would only pack liquids (fat free yogurt and sugar free jello). My tummy would growl in class continuously.

I was down to 115 lbs on my 5' 6" frame. I was not eating. When I was, I was binging and purging. I was hungry. I was skinny. But, I was not healthy.

After high school, when X and I moved in together, we developed unhealthy eating habits, ate a fourth meal almost every night before bed, and were couch potatoes. In a year I gained a pound after pound. I went to the doctor for my annual physical and just broke down crying. She talked to me about my weight fluctuation and touched base with me on depression. She sent some anti-depressents home with me, but I tossed them in the garbage.

I was hovering around 190 lbs. I was binging. I was sitting on my @$$. I was not healthy.

Eventually, I was able to lose the weight after subsequent attempts on Weight Watchers and multiple pregnancies (and an early miscarriage). But, it wasn't until I discovered running that I truly became happy with myself ... and my body. And, my body ... and mind ... continue to transform.



2006 - 1st Half Marathon



2011 - Half Marathon PR

My running, my accomplishments, and the journey of motherhood .... have all given me great confidence in myself as a person and the body that has carried me through these parts of my journey. It's taken years for me to be comfortable with my body, my curves, my flaws. Stretchmarks, misplaced dimples, a stretched out tummy from two pregnancies .... they are all mine. And, I'm trying to embrace them. My weight still fluctuates, but within reason. My legs are strong, they are muscular and I happily flaunt them in running skirts as I run each 13.1 or 26.2 mile journey. I'll also wil noww flaunt my flabby arms in a running tank top from time-to-time. It's only taking me thirty years - or so - to get here.


Growing up, I wish I had an outlet like the Girls on the Run Program (HERE), which tries to educate and empower girls at an early age in order to prevent the display of at-risk activities in the future. At risk activities include substance/alcohol use, eating disorders, early onset of sexual activity, sedentary lifestyle, depression, suicide attempts and confrontations with the juvenile justice system. That is why it is my favorite organization. I ran as a Sole Mate for the organization last year, and hope to do so again in the future. It's so important for our young women to learn to love themselves for who they are, to love their bodies and to treat their bodies well.


September 2011 - Embracing Curves
(finally showing off those legs & arms!)

16 comments:

  1. My weight has fluctuated between 80 (eek) and 125 ... at 5' 5". Since I started running, my weight has been stable and just this year ... I started wearing tank tops. Woohoo. I am glad to have things under control now that I have daughters watching. Mwah.

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  2. Glad you visited my blog!

    My weight has fluctuated big time as well and running has helped me keep a steady, healthier weight and eating much healthier!

    You're looking awesome!

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  3. Great post! Running has helped me put my body image issue into perspective.

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  4. I have always had body image issues as well. Reading your post has inspired me to go for a run. Right now.

    BTW, I think you look fab!

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  5. Isn't it sad that it takes us 30+years to grow into our skin? :) Great post!

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  6. As someone who always stands out because of my height, I sympathize with discomfort. It has taken 30+ years to come to terms and is still a learning process. Great post!

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  7. I've had a lifetime of body image issues. It is a daily choice to be happy with who I am today. I can't change who I was yesterday. I don't know who I will be tomorrow but I do know that I will work everyday to make myself better than I was yesterday and set goals for the Shelly of tomorrow.
    Congrats to you for never giving up. For showing yourself and then others that YOU maatter. Not the shape your physical body takes up on any given day.
    I'm still learning every day.

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  8. I still struggle with body issues. My weight still fluctuates and I struggle with that daily. The difference between now and when I was younger - I have running. Running has taught me that even though I'm not perfect, I am what I am and I have to appreciate what I can do with what I have. I'm much more confident than I was before I started running. I will now engage in conversations with people I don't know and am so glad that I have something in common with such a great group of people.

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  9. As one of your guy followers...I would say that your bright smile, which I assume is a true reflection of how you feel about yourself, says volumes about your transformation and is one of the many attractive elements of your persona.

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  10. LOVE this post, Jamie! Thank you so much for sharing this. I am struggling right now with loving my body (having had a baby almost 10 months ago and still not at pre-preggo weight), and I was really encouraged by your journey. You rock!

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  11. You've come a long way, baby! This was a great post and impresses how important it is to make lifestyle choices. Way to go!

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  12. What an honest and open post. Congratulations on finally getting it all under control. I can really relate to your story - I was bulimic for 3 years through university and battled with yoyo-ing weight but I've managed to pull it all together and running has been the most amazing discovery. Not just for the calories burnt but for the sense of achievement and what it does for your moods.

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  13. Great post. Like alot of others have struggled with my body image and weight. I hate feeling those feeling when I was so deep in that dark hole and didnt know who to get out of it. I thought if I got skinny all my issues would be solved. Wrong it has taken alot of mental work and trying to love myself.

    Running has given me that . I love myself now and am enjoying life to the fullest. Never want to go back into the deep dark hole again.

    I also met my hubby that loves unconditionally. He was my SAVING GRACE.

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  14. What a great post! I'm 21 and here I'm trying to find myself through my journey in running. I face my our insecurities of body image and intellect. While trying to face the world as I reach graduation. Troubled by boys and if I'll find I job. I loved your post it was uplifting!

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  15. well said. thanks for sharing.

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